And what gave you the confidence? Um, delusion.

Curveball. I am officially adding “Become a Model” to my goals list!

For the last two years, I have shared my biggest life goals and if you go back and look through all of these goals you will notice that I did NOT have modeling on the list.

Did this mean that wasn’t always in my heart as a dream? No. It has been there since I was a preteen watching America’s Next Top Model.

BACKSTORY

Back in the day, while binge watching seasons of ANTM, I was – let’s just say it – definitely not a model. I wasn’t thought of as the cutest girl in class and my sense of confidence reflected this. Guys always noticed my friends, not me. I was very aware of the braces working hard to straighten my teeth and would avoid eye contact during conversation in case my eyes were still red from the chlorine of swim practice.

Still, I pursued modeling and acting as a 10 year old. After some coaching and taking classes, my mom and I went to New York for a week of auditioning for commercials, walking as a model, and networking. By the end of this intense week, I hadn’t booked a thing and had all the confirmation I needed to say that this dream was an impossibility.

We flew back home and back to my real life.

During those next few awkward years and transitions, I grew from my average 10 year old height to be a 6′ 2″ freshman in college. By college, I had figured a little out about how to assemble and outfit. I had some confirmation that I had maybe become “cute” but still had a low sense of worth and no confidence. The fear and self conscious part of me was very much still in control.

By my senior year of college, I started getting regular comments from people saying “you should model.” But that always still seemed impossible due to my previous failure. And by the time I graduated from college, I had pivoted my dreams to other things.

THE INBETWEEN

At 23 I got married to the best guy and moved to the Midwest to live closer to friends and family.

By 25 I became a mother and had my beautiful identical twin girls. I quit my job and became a full time stay at home mom!

Our family continued to grow for the next few years and at 28 we had four kids under the age of 3!! We became a big, beautiful family living in a sweet home along the river and it is truly a beautiful life.

In these years of not doing one of my (many) dreams I had the opportunity to whole heartedly dive into another dream: family. And as my family grew, I simultaneously grew internally.

LESSONS LEARNED

At 30, I finally feel like I have learned enough from life to be ready to attempt dreams and goals again. Even the big goals, the unattainable dreams. In my “before 30” goal-setter year I spent the year learning how to dream and work toward accomplishing goals again and it changed my life!

By 30 years old people typically stop dreaming. It’s a fact!

According to studies, 95% of people over the age of 30 will never sprint again. My goal is to keep sprinting in life. No matter what it is, go at it with a sprint.

And when I start to doubt or slow the sprint, I remember some of the lessons I’ve learned:

1. Your self worth can’t be dependent on others.
2. One “no” isn’t a forever “no”
3. Life is made up of the in-betweens

1. YOUR SELF WORTH CAN’T BE DEPENDENT ON OTHERS

All of this is easier said than done. Me telling you to not care what others think doesn’t help you actually stop caring. But bear with me for a moment.

Throughout my life I have always been very aware of what others thought of me and expected from me. I was fueled by praise and as positive feedback came in, it started directing my steps. I learned to avoid criticism or negative feedback by not doing the things, activities, projects, etc where I had received the criticism or feedback.

Over time, after years of deciphering between what brought praise vs criticism, I found myself acutely aware of the aspects of myself that were not up to par. I no longer needed someone else to feed negativity into me, I was fully capable of identifying it on my own.

The problem with this new ability to “see the future” and direct my life based on praise was that

1) It was not always accurate! Sure, sometimes you know a mistake will lead to feedback. But also, I have found a tendency to internally review myself in a pessimistic light, expecting the worst review and harshest critics when in reality the only critic is the one in my mind.

2) What earns you praise from one person will always earn criticism from another. Then what will you do?

2. ONE “NO” ISN’T A FOREVER “NO”

This one is hard because I technically haven’t heard a “yes” for modeling…yet.

I heard the word “no” at age 10 and decided that meant forever. Granted, it wasn’t just once and it wasn’t such a low stakes situation, but still.

I let the failure of a first attempt dictate my next steps and attempts. And if I think about it longer, I can recognize that in every other area of life I have never let the first attempt be the last. In swimming or school or writing or teaching, I have always known that the first attempt is going to leave room for improvement. Why would this be any different for modeling?

Going into modeling at age 30 I am also very aware of the fact that age will be a big factor that leads to the word “No.” So in this season I hope to learn from my past and recognize that there will be many attempts and iterations.

With that, I also want to include the testimonies of people who heard a no and continued on to

3. LIFE IS MADE UP OF THE IN-BETWEENS”

Earlier, I told you about what life has looked like “in between” attempts at modeling. But the in between is actually my whole life!

I wouldn’t trade any of those moments between attempts for anything – including becoming a model or “making it” as a model sooner. You have to acknowledge that your life is not the goal you attempt or the project you work on or the business you start, but it is made up of all the moments between each of these. It’s the relationships – friendships, family – the hobbies and adventures – the joy of living life.

CONTINUING TO SPRINT

Modeling specific: The sprint means I have begun the process of putting together a modeling comp card and portfolio. My first photoshoot for the comp card is in 10 days! After that, I’ll send the card wide and hope to connect with agencies, photographers, and designers that are Cincinnati based as well as NYC, LA, Miami, and Chicago based. I plan to share the process as I go as well – look for Instagram, TikTok, and Youtube updates!